It’s time… (A Very Personal Struggle)

Feeling great after the 10k.

Feeling great after the 10k.

Sometimes you need that one friend in your life who will tell you exactly what you need to hear, no matter how hard it may be to hear it.

Thank God, I have my husband.

We had a conversation today that I may not have wanted to have, but needed to  desperately.

We had a conversation about my weight.

It’s no secret that I have struggled with my weight for most of my life.  About four years ago though, I thought I finally had it figured out.  Over a course of a few years (and a lot of hard work!), I had dropped 65 lbs. and felt better than ever.  During that time, I learned so many things about nutrition, healthy eating, portion sizes, exercise, and fitness.  I tracked what I ate meticulously, attended Weight Watchers meetings regularly, and was constantly challenging my body physically.  I was over-the-moon with my new, slim, fit body and all the praise and comments I got from others. One of my proudest moments, was in 2011 when I completed my first 10k race as part of Ottawa’s Race Weekend.  I may not have been the fastest runner that day, but the fact that I had come that far in my fitness routine and achieved such an accomplishment was thrilling to me!

Bradley and I after running the 10k in Ottawa.

Bradley and I after running the 10k in Ottawa.

From 2010 until 2013, I maintained my weight loss.  I continued working out and introducing new challenges to my fitness routine.  I watched what I ate and my new, higher metabolism allowed me to have treats without wreaking havoc on my process.  I reached all kinds of milestones and felt a new sense of confidence and self-love that I had never experienced before.

Then I got married.

I don’t blame my marriage at all for my weight loss, it’s just the turning point for when I started gaining back all the weight I had lost. Shortly after we got married, I began a new job an hour away which drastically changed my daily schedule.  Ever since, I have done nothing but let my newly-formed, healthy habits go. Devastatingly, this has resulted in all 65 lbs. being packed on over the last two years.

Now, instead of the highly motivated, inspiring, and life-loving girl I was, I have once again become a person who is filled with disappointment, anger, and overwhelming sadness for what I have let happen. Why did I do this?  How come I have let this happen?  I swore to myself I’d never gain the weight back! I say to myself again and again.  The negative self-talk is overwhelming.

And like so many others, I let those terrible, negative thoughts take over me.  Instead of fighting back with positivity and motivation, I gave in.  I gave up all the habits I had worked so hard on, and resorted back to all the bad ones that got me into trouble in the first place. Instead of loving myself and working hard to improve myself, I sit on the couch, do nothing, and think about the next tasty snack I will eat.

Why do I do this?  I have no idea.  It’s like there is a constant inner battle in my own mind that utterly exhausts meMy own little angel and devil, each sitting on a shoulder.  One side tells me all the reasons I need to get healthy again, the other side tries to make excuses, tries to make me believe that I can be happy like this.

Except I know I can’t.

And my husband confirmed that this afternoon.  As tears of frustration streamed down my cheeks, he sweetly sat me on his lap and pointed to pictures hanging on our wall where I am fit, healthy, and happy. “You don’t smile like that anymore,” he told me. I cried.  I cried because he’s right, he’s so right, and that’s just the saddest thing to me.  All this time, I have been trying to convince myself that I can be heavy and happy and while I truly believe this is possible for some people, I know it just isn’t for me.

Strong body, strong mind.

Strong body, strong mind.

Don’t get me wrong.  It’s not all about being skinny. It’s not about getting hung up over some number on a scale, or going on a drastic, restrictive diet. It’s about feeling good about myself.  It’s about being strong, physically and mentally. It’s about establishing habits that will improve my overall health, habits that will help me live longer, and be happier.

So it’s time.  It’s time to let go of all the anger, the whys, the how-did-I-let-this-happen?  It’s time to stop dwelling on what was, and time to start making changes to what is.  The fortunate part for me is that I have all the tools.  I know how to lose weight, get fit, and be healthy because I’ve done it all before.

I really believe today was a turning point.  My dear, loving, sweet husband made me realize that it’s time to let go of all the excuses, turn off the negative self-talk, and do something.  He cautiously and carefully pointed out to me what I already know – if I don’t do something, I am going to end up obese, miserable, and sick.  It’s my reality and it’s time to accept it.  I know him doing this was coming from a place of honesty and love, and frankly, I love him for telling me what I needed to hear.

I am not going to lie – thinking about starting all over again is daunting.  I am scared of failure.  I am scared I won’t know where to start, or that I will always be exhausted and won’t have the energy to go on.  But it’s time.  It’s time to start taking care of me again.  It’s time to stop all the negativity and to work for what I deserve ~ a fit, happy, healthy body and mind.   I’ve got this!  🙂

 

 

 

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6 thoughts on “It’s time… (A Very Personal Struggle)

  1. OH Kelly! You made me cry! Brad is right, you don’t smile like you used to. I know it will be hard, but it’s just getting started. You have incredible will power and I know you will succeed. Chin up darling! xoxo

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