It’s a tough day over here. I’m feeling pretty terrible about myself and pretty much just need to throw a pity party and rant a little. Besides just venting though, I’m really hoping that someone out there might be able to connect with what I’m about to tell you.
I am trying to lose weight again. For those of you who don’t know my story, about six-seven years ago I had finally reached my goal of shedding 65 lbs. It was a long, tough journey and I learned a lot about taking better care of myself. It sure wasn’t easy but I did it. At age 30, I was at my smallest adult weight ever – 128 lbs. and felt amazing! I felt proud, confident, and happy. I worked out like a beast, ran 10k races, tracked my food in piles of food journals, and happily shopped for XS clothing. I felt like I had hit the jackpot and finally, after years of struggle, had made it. But then life took a turn (as it does) and within three years, I ended up gaining all of the weight back. My workouts slowly came to a stop and when that happened, bad eating habits began to creep back in. Fast foward to now, and here I am, hovering just under 200-lb and fighting hard to forgive myself for gaining all the weight back which is not something easy to do. I have asked myself again and again why I let it happen. Why did I work so hard, achieve my biggest goal, and then blow it and end up back at square one? It’s not something that’s easy to forgive yourself for but thankfully, I have a wonderful support system who reminds me that I have to stop looking back and keep looking forward.
But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. And today is just one of those days. It’s the kind of day where I feel overwhelmed, scared, beaten down, and frankly, even angry. WHY DOES LOSING WEIGHT HAVE TO BE SO HARD? Why does it take so much planning and prepping and determination to eat healthy? Why are cookies, and chips, and pizza (all things I love) so easy to grab and shove down my hatch? Why does working out take so much time, energy, and motivation? And why does laying on the couch, watching trashy TV, and napping, feel so damn good? But as my darling, patient, and biggest supporter-husband regularly reminds me, if it were easy, everyone would be skinny. UGH. I know he is right but I hate to admit it. (I can be extremely stubborn at times… Okay, most of the time!) Then he ever-s0-sweetly reminds me that I can do it. I can lose the weight and get healthy again. He knows I can do it (and according to him, I know I can do it too, which of course, he’s right about… Again). So why do I fight him so hard when I know he’s right? When I know his pep talks come from such a loving and supportive place? I fight him because sometimes I just want to wallow in my own self-pity. Because sometimes I’m not strong enough to turn off that terrible voice in my mind that tell me I’m not good enough. That I’m fat. That I can’t do it. Sometimes I need him to rescue me, and to make me believe again.
One of the things people used to always tell me when I was thinner was that they envied how motivated I was. They asked how I had so much energy and told me that I inspired them. Those compliments used to make me feel like I was walking on clouds. I felt so proud of myself. It was one of the best feelings in the world. And the rational, intelligent girl inside of me knows that those feelings of motivation and self-worth and energy came from working out. They came from feeding my body well and pushing it to its limits physically. So then, knowing that there’s such huge rewards, why is it so hard to get motivated to get back there again?
My husband and I were discussing this today. I was complaining about the vicious cycle people get caught up in of knowing if we started working out we’d have more energy, but not having enough energy to get started. (It’s the trap I am currently in). And he explained it the best way. He told me that “getting the train rolling” (so to speak) is the hardest part, and he really couldn’t be more right. “Once you get the train rolling,” he told me, “There’s no stopping you. I know that and, you know that.” And as much as I may hate it (because one of the hardest parts of losing weight is patience), there’s only one way to get that “train rolling” – baby steps. Small changes, one at a time, forgiving myself when I slip up, and getting right back on the (train) track. It sure as hell isn’t easy, but it’s the only way.
So for all of you out there who are fighting this battle like me, please know that you are not alone. Take it from me, that I know it isn’t easy. I know how hard it is, how time consuming it is, and how badly you can want something but hate everything you have to do to get there. But if you are feeling this way, I hope and pray that you have a support system like I do. I hope you have someone to lift up your spirits when you’re feeling so low about yourself. I hope you have someone to tell you you’re beautiful, when you can’t stop talking negatively to yourself. I hope you have someone who will be patient with you when you are being stubborn and giving up on yourself. And I hope that eventually all those loving words will start to break through that dark, sad, angry wall you’ve built up and that you will begin to see that there’s one way to do this. It’s to start believing in yourself as much as others believe in you.
We can do it.