I’m struggling today. It’s the same old problem that I am faced with so often – the decision between doing what I think I should be doing versus doing what I actually want to do.
It’s beautiful out today. It’s warm and sunny with a perfectly cool breeze. It’s the last unofficial weekend of summer and the weather is perfect. I should be outside. Summer is so short around here, I should be soaking it all up before the weather turns dark, gloomy, and cool. I should be out in nature, enjoying a hike or visiting my friend who is camping for the weekend, because I know it will be good for my mind, body, and soul.
But instead, I’m curled up on the coach, unshowered, still in my pyjamas, and wrapped up in a fuzzy blanket. Because I’m tired, and it’s cozy here, and I don’t feel like moving. I slept in today too – until nearly 10:30. Then I laid in bed for nearly another hour playing on my phone and just dwelling in the cool comfort of my bed and the wonderful company of my husband and our dog.
I did get up after that and make pancakes for the family. I even tidied up the kitchen. I had intentions to shower. I told my friend I would drive half an hour to see her at her campsite. We’d go for a walk or maybe to the beach. I could stop at the grocery store and stock up on the few things we need for lunches this week. I could take something out of the freezer and plan dinner. And lord knows, the bathroom needs to be cleaned, there’s laundry to do, lessons to be planned, the list goes on….
But I don’t feel like doing any of those things. I don’t even feel like getting dressed. I’m even seriously considering ordering pizza for dinner. The Jays game is on, my husband and dog are here with me, and I am comfy and content laying here on the couch – other than the bit of guilt that is eating away at me…
My husband has a theory. Whenever I complain that I have so much to do, he tells me “You’re an adult. You can do whatever you want.” I usually counter back with, “Yes, but adults have responsibilities” as I continue working my way through my never-ending to-do list. And it’s not that my husband neglects those responsibilities (although he is a procrastinator), it’s just that he understands and accepts the whole notion of having the freedom to do what he wants rather than what he should be doing.
At the beginning of this year, I claimed the mantra “good enough” for myself in the hopes that I’d learn to let things go and step away from being such a perfectionist in so many areas of my life. But, despite my good intentions, somewhere along the way I have forgotten what it means to let things be just good enough.
Now that back-to-school is just around the corner (two days!), I’m clinging desperately to this notion of doing what I want instead of what I should because I know in just a few days time, the slow, lazy days of summer that I’ve enjoyed are going to come to a screeching halt and my life is going to become chaotic again. There will be alarms to wake up to, busy mornings, jobs and school to get to, laundry to do, lunches and dinners to make, errands to run, lessons to plan, a house to clean, assignments to mark, practices and clubs to bring kids to…. You get the idea.
For me, my personal time is so important. I’m a bit of a day-dreamer, an over-thinker. I like time to explore my personal interests and to find inspiration for new ideas. I like a schedule that’s wide open so I can decide each day what I feel like doing (and not just what I have to do). I like time to write and read books for pleasure. This is what this summer has been all about and it’s been glorious. It’s been wonderful, peaceful, and so fulfilling.
So maybe my resistance to wanting to do anything productive today is a desperate attempt to hang on to those days when I have nothing to do. Or maybe I’m just finally starting to accept that I am an adult and I can do what I want. Because there has to a balance in life. And I am sure there will be many more days to do what I should. So today I am going to let go of the guilt, do what I want (which involves a whole lot of nothing), and try my hardest to accept that it’s all good enough. And I might order pizza for dinner.